Starting to look over my journals which began 15 years ago.....

Gosh.....For 15 years I have kept Journals and have wrote about my life since I was 13 years old. I have to say some of them are extremely difficult to read and not get emotionally about a lot of what I have been through and wrote about in them. I have to say though I have come along way in life that is for sure, I can see I was confused and wondered why I was faced with certain horrible times I went through and for years I blamed myself and became such an angry young girl because of these challenges back then. I never saw I needed help from others back then, I didnt feel I deserved any help as I brought things on myself or so I thought.........

Here is where my life started to become complicated as I held on to this anger and confusion for many years. The result of being honest to some people back then didnt help me or that situation in fact it made it worse and harder to deal with......At my age then from 13 to 16 I felt very much alone and resented the people who didnt care for me when I needed them the most. This I can see has impacted my life so much and still affects me now in ways. It is horrible to think that this has affected me, my life, my emotions and my feelings of others in such a strong way that to see even now that I still struggle with this and the affects of it......How awful!!!!!!

If only ......is a question I can ask so many people and about so many things about from back then but would it be worth it all now?? I dont think it would make any difference at all.....There should never have been a chance for me to discuss with certain people 'If only......' They will never understand the damage this caused me and my life back then and even now still. I should have been trusted, listened to and never doubted......but this never happened and It was years later when all I said was proved true all along. It was too late now years later, what I wanted to stop from happening by telling the truth all them years ago actually happened......I was left saying to all who didnt believe all I said back then 'IF ONLY'........I dont need say anymore, it cant be changed and they all have to live with knowing what I said was true and if I was believed it could have been avoided but is wasnt ment to be I suppose. People ended up learning the hard way, people got hurt who shouldnt have and the guilt is still there with the people who maybe could have made a difference.

Huge lessons have been learned from this, a lot of people have been affected through this and peoples lives will never be the same again for many.......My life changed dramatically from this experience whether I like it or not....this is where it all began and when I started struggling with life and lifes challenges.....

Sometimes it takes a but if time to see past the teenage tanturms and strops to realise they are actually struggling with something so much deeper and damaging than they could possibly handle alone and open up about for many reasons....!!!