'I'm pregnant' ...the day he found out

After the events of the weekend I was confused about what to do and was hurt about what I had found out. I had tried to keep it all together and decide what I was going to do. Should I tell him at all? Does he deserve to know after everything? Do I want him trying to influence me and my decisions? I needed to tell someone I was close to though and trust so I could feel supported. I just didnt know what to do and decided to text X saying 'When I am home next would it be possible to meet up sometime as there is something I need to talk to you about, Thanks'...
I didnt get a reply from him, it was a monday night and I knew he would be working at the club. I actually wasnt too bothered that he hadnt replied as I thought if he doesnt then that will tell me that not telling him was the right thing to do.

I was getting ready for bed, it was already late but I couldnt sleep at all. I watched dvd after dvd for about 3 hours untill it got to about 3.30am or maybe later and I thought I better try and get some sleep. Then all of a sudden I got a text, it was from him asking me about what I needed to tell him and talk about....I didnt reply as it was late, I thought he has probably been drinking and it wasnt the right time to talk especially over the phone and me being 100 miles away. Then he started ringing and more texts came through saying the same thing, I thought he may have thought as I hadnt replied or answered he would give up thinking I was asleep..... I was wrong, he kept calling and wasnt giving up. So I thought I would text just to say 'I would speak to him when I was back home, it wasnt the right time to talk and not over the phone'.....He kept calling and texting saying 'I better answer and tell him now', 'Why wont you talk to me?', 'Please answer'......the texts were coming one after the other and the calls were the same so in the end I texted saying 'Please X just leave me alone for a bit, at least for tonight, I didnt want to talk to him right now and to stop calling me, give me some space...please!!'..... He wouldnt give up so about an hour later after loads of missed calls and texts I answered....

X was angry that I hadnt answered, asking 'what was the matter'. I told him 'I really wasnt in the mood to talk to him right now, could he please stop calling me and leave me alone for a bit, I needed some space....' It didnt seem to be sinking in to him that I wasnt ready to talk especially over the phone but nothing I said made a difference so I kept hanging up......hoping he may get the message. He didnt!! I answered again and he put his mate Y on the phone, he started asking what the hell was going on? What was I playing at?.....I wasnt listening to that so again I hung up....He called back, Y asked 'Lynsey, are you pregnant?'....I went silent, I was in shock and I hung up. I was scared about what he was going to say and what I was going to say about knowing a while before he did. I wasnt ready to talk not yet not like this....But they kept calling back, I answered it was Y...I admitted 'Yes I am pregnant'. It went silent again and X came on the phone he didnt really make sense with what he was saying, he was obviously drunk and shocked. I started crying and getting really emotional trying to explaining how I found out and when. He was trying to calm me down as I was a complete mess, finally I was able to let it all out but it wasnt helping m this way and then it got worse....

Y his mate texted me whilst I was on the phone to X saying 'I was lying, it didnt make sense, that I should get my head together and if I was pregnant I should go to his and do a test there and then'....I read it and went mental, shouting and screaming at X about the text I had just got....Telling him what he said and saying he has no right texting me things like that, how dare he question my honesty....what a wanker!! I hung up again as I heard Y shouting things about abortions in the background and I just had enough and thought fuck ya all....I am not listening to that not now not eva!! I got more texts off Y his mate saying 'I was a headfuck that he had lost all respect for me now' and another saying 'He was coming to Leeds to pick me up in the morning and I could prove it to him'.....Prove it to HIM??? Who the hell did he think he was, How was this any of his business? How fucking dare he talk to me like that..... I remember replying...'How dare you question my honesty, What was his problem...If he felt he wanted to drive up to get me in the morning to prove it to him then by all means do what he feels is best because I couldnt care less about what he thinks and I couldnt wait to see his face when I prove I was telling the truth....wanker'

X called me back and I answered...he was asking what I wanted to do? I needed to make decisions and fast. He kept saying I couldnt have this baby, he didnt want this at all and I would loose all I had, be alone and it would ruin my life. I was crying so hard, my heart was breaking, I was having panic attacks and I couldnt stop to get myself together. I told him I didnt mean for this to happen, yeah he was right it wasnt what I wanted or needed right now but what was I supposed to do now its happened I couldnt change it now.

I told him about the termination I had 4 years ago and how I this had affected my life. I made that decision for the man involved not for me. I didnt want to have a termination, I knew it would hurt me and I would regret it every day but I did it for him. I didnt want to ruin his life, I thought I didnt want him to not persue his dreams and ambitions. I thought of him, his life and future. I convinced myself it was the right thing to do for the best, deep down I knew it wasnt and I knew I was going to suffer emotionally so much from this. My life wasnt the same after this and I swore I would never go through that ever again for no one. X kept saying it would be different this time, he would always be there, always be my friend and support me throughout. I knew he wouldnt.....It would never happen that way, I couldnt remain friends with him if I had to go through that, I would never forgive him and wouldnt be able to cope with going through that as I wasnt strong enough and it would end up killing me. I would mentally break down and would loose control. Then I would loose everything. He wasnt listening, he didnt want to hear it and he didnt care. There was no point trying to explain further.

I agreed to come back to Chester the next day and we would arrange to meet when I got home. I said I would make another appointment with my family doctor and we would discuss together what I was going to do. By now it was past 6am, we ended our converstation and arranged to talk when I got home later that day.

I needed to tell someone who I knew would support me as I knew I was going to be pressured by X and Y now about this and I knew I wouldnt be able to cope alone so I emailed my sister Claire asking her to call me when she woke up. She did and I told her about everything being pregnant, X and Y's reaction and the nasty messages I had got from Y. I told her I was scared about the intimidation and pressure I was going to get from them. I couldnt cope with it and just wanted them to leave me alone for a bit at least until I had seen my doctor at home as he knew all about my complicated medical conditions that could affect my pregnancy and give me what support I needed also. So my sister Claire messaged X and told him my plans to come home, that I would let him know about my appointments dates and times so he could come along if he wanted and she also asked or warned him about Y and that he was not to contact me again from now on. I didnt want him to contact me after everything he said, he made himself very clear about what he thought of me, the situation and after knowing what he truly thought I wanted nothing to do with me, my life, my pregnancy and he had no right anyhow, it wasnt his baby, so it wasnt his problem!!!!!

I made arrangements to come home from Leeds that day and we would go from there. I wasnt looking forward to meeting with X alone at Y's also so that needed to be arranged somehow. I just wanted to get home and be around people I knew always have my best interests at heart, who care and loved me but more importantly they knew exactally how I suffered making the decision I had made last time so their influence was needed for me so I wasnt going to make another wrong decision again.

The journey home was so long, I hated every minute of it and I was scared of what was to come. I needed my family and friends more than ever right now and I knew they would be there through this difficult time....no matter what.