2010 so far....

I always start a new year hoping that the new year will be filled with happy times, good memories and will end up being what I call my year. The year that starts a new chapter in my life and my future. Then the end of each year I end up reminding myself that this year was supposed to be my year, the year that changed my life, who I am and my future. Each year ends up the same, no doubt something has happened that has changed my life, who I am and my future but never in the way I really want. Well nothing like that so far anyhow..... Theres still plenty of time for all I dream of, I am sure.

However its the 1st March today, just 2 months into a new year and I have been faced with a really challenging experience that has affected me and my life so much right now. I never imagined going through this situation again or with this person who I will call, X!! It seemed so unreal and I am still trying to cope and comes to terms with all thats recently happened however I need to express what I am feeling and make people aware about what I went through during this difficult time.

I started the new year knowing deep down that X was not good for me, I always knew it if I were honest and it is never a good idea revisiting the past, as they were your past for a reason and they should remain there unless there was good reason to let them back into your life again. X had been a friend of mine since I was 18, he used to work in the local club when I first began my clubbing days, where I was out every weekend and I got a taste for that life and just having a good time. I didnt really care about how others felt or thought about me as they didnt matter back then as long as I enjoyed myself I couldnt care less. Even though I had this attitude I still had many friends and got to know people who worked at the club. This stayed the same for years. X and I did actually have a good friendship and had a laugh together all the time. There was nothing more to our friendship, he spent time with my friend in that way after a while however he did have a long term girlfriend and a young daughter. It didnt really matter to him to be honest, his lives were kept seperate and what she didnt know didnt matter.

When X left the club it was just after he had got married to his long term girlfriend, My friend had fallen for him a long time before and he knew how she felt but he still was more than happy to keep her interested in him by showing her false hope allowing her to do what he wanted to him. I remember calling him saying to him 'you know that she is in love with you dont you?' he deined knowing how she felt and said that he would have to put an end to things with her from now on... So leaving my friend so upset back then he carried on with his life and ended up leaving the club a few months later.

So it was nearly 6 years later when I spoke to X again. We had a friend in common on facebook that I kept in contact with over the years who had been back in touch with X a lot more than usual and I noticed something had happened in X's life and wanted to know the gossip so I began digging. I found out that X had split with his wife as she had cheated on him behind his back for months and he had been lied to about it so they had broke up. He swore that there was no going back as far as he was concerned, he really hated what she had done and from then we began chatting. We kept in touch via facebook, texts and by phone for a few months over the summer but I was always putting off meeting up with him because there was something telling me it wasnt a good idea. I dont know what it was but it stopped me meeting with X for months, I managed to hold it off untill the end of October 2009. I was supposed to meet him in town for Janes birthday in Cruise but I ended up leaving early and went home so after this I promised I would arrrange another day where I wouldnt let him down and I would be in touch.

I went back to Leeds and it came to the weekend. I was trying to do the essays I had to do but I was getting to stressed over them and X gave me a ring to help me relax, we chatted for over an hour as we often did and he managed to calm me down. I had told him about why I was putting off seeing him, I wasnt the same girl he knew years ago and I was worried that our friendship would be affected if something went wrong between us and I didnt want that as I couldnt handle falling out with people I liked being in my life. X promised me this would never happen, what could possibly go wrong between us that could cause that to affect of friendship, he said he wasnt looking for anything more than a good time, with good company where he could feel at ease and if something happened between us we would deal with this day by day. I couldnt argue with that to be honest and I needed the same. It had been a long time since I was able to share that with someone and X was not going to take advantage of me or hurt me intentionally so I started trusting him and push aside me doubts about this situation. I thought I have to live a little.... I deserved some happy times and some fun so why not.

To begin with X would do anything to make me happy, pick me up and take me to Leeds from Chester whenever I wanted never accepting money for petrol and I did insist he did, He would offer to treat me to a night out, a nice meal, offer to buy me gifts, expensive gifts like iphones and perfume etc, he arranged for us to stay for the weekend in a hotel in Liverpool and we just spent time together as friends, being good company and we both enjoyed the time we spent together. X couldnt do more for me in the beginning, he would tell me all about how he hadnt spent time with another women since his wife and the split so what we had was special and he was happy with what we had as he wasnt looking for anyone else in his life right now and liked what we had. He did say though every no and then we were just having fun together as he wasnt ready for much more right now but his actions would tell another story, we both knew it.....he liked it when it suited him but pushed me away when he needed to try to stay in control of things. There was no need for him to be this way with me, I knew him better and pushing me away wasnt going to make me happy for hurting me for no reason.

One weekend at the end of November 2009 I spent the whole weekend with X at his friends Y in Chester. We had talked about a few things we wanted to have with eachother and we arranged this for then. I think X was testing me about certain things we had spoken about and this weekend proved all I said. I think this is when things began to change between us, it could have gone either way between us after this. The next morning, X was really off with me and kept reminding me we werent in a relationship and made me feel really crap about the whole weekend, I felt completely worthless and it hurt me. After he texted me saying he wasnt pushing me away he just didnt want to end up having feelings for me as he wasnt ready for that. I respected that and realised it must be difficult. However things just got worse after that weekend, I asked him if we could agree to just be with eachother, as in not go with anyone else as I didnt think I would be happy with this. I said to him, if he wanted that then and he did then what me and X had would have to finish as I didnt want that sort of thing no more it wasnt good for me at that time in my life. I think X felt pressured and he began treating me like crap even more and I let him. I became a doormat, a complete mug and everytime I questioned him about seeing another he would turn it around on me like I was being paranoid and pressuring him all the time. I wasnt but it always seemed like my fault, I was always apologisng for things that werent even my doing. I dropped everything most weekends, whatever time of the day or night to be with him, Y started calling me easy....he said 'I needed to become the challenge'...'I was too easy for X, I didnt make it a challenge for him no more, he coould call me whenever he wanted and he knew I was a sure thing'.... even though Y was a complete player and he could care less he actually made sense with what he said.

Over Christmas and New year I tried to put an end to things, I deep down believed that X had been with others and it drove me insane as he wouldnt tell me the truth and kept lying or twisting the truth. I arranged to see him before he christmas holidays were up and it seemed to go back to the way it was before again without me even realising it. I wasnt happy as I knew I was being a fool. I knew he didnt respect me or my feelings at all. I should have walked away.