Well if I am honest I have not been too good. I have struggled with trying to deal with my emotions and feeling what I feel after having a miscarriage and all of what I was put through by the father and his friend for weeks. I am scared to feel what I feel as I am afraid I will loose control and my mind completely. I have bad memories of this happening once before in my life and I never want to have to go through that again so its understandable I feel this way I suppose.
I have shared my concerns about the way I am feeling with the people closest to me and I can see they understand what I am scared of but I am not sure they see that I am unable to be honest about the hurt this has caused me so far and how I really feel. I have at times thought about contacting X as I want the chance to show him what he has done to me, what hurt he has caused and tell him exactly what I think of him but I know this is not a good thing to do at all. Especially not right now as I could not control myself if I lost it with him and if this happened then he would have the upper hand. In fact it would probably make his day to know what he had caused as I know he couldnt care less anyhow about me or my feelings, so whats the point in that......
I want to be able to move on with my life smoothly but this is hard to do or it has been lately anyhow. I have struggled with being open about my feelings and how I am not coping that well. I am always the one who comes across to others as the tower of strength and if I am honest I am not at all right now, far from it infact. I can see this and I can see what I have been doing to hide this away from others and people has done. I have pushed people away, not got too close to people who really know me and what I am about so they couldnt see I was hurting or needed help. I think I needed time alone at first to recognise what I needed but by doing this I have become anxious about leaving the house, being outside, being around others and spending time with the people I need to so I can be helped and be cared for.
I know I have so much to focus on with regards to my future and I dont ever want this to be jepodised by anything. I have worked so hard for all I have so I am determined not to let things slip away and I know I will eventually be back to my normal self again soon. To do this though I need to go through the motions and feel what I need to in order to move on and be myself again.
I am pleased to say I managed to see this and I have seeked help to do this by admitting I am struggling and was scared about loosing control.
I hope that from this I will soon be back to being me again, get my life back on track, learn from what I have experienced and gone through these past few months. I am strong and determined, I have been through too much already in life which were equally as hard to deal with and become a stronger person because of them so I know it is just a matter of time before I can look back at this and see what I have overcome.
2010 just may be after all my year..... it has already had a huge impact in my life and I know I will be just fine. I have all I need in my life, I have good friends and family who have been so patient, who love and care for me no matter what. For all this I am eternally greatful and I will never forget the support I have had throughout this challenging and upseting time.
Thank you to those special people in my life, they know who they are. I love you all always so much xx
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