Well if I am honest I have not been too good. I have struggled with trying to deal with my emotions and feeling what I feel after having a miscarriage and all of what I was put through by the father and his friend for weeks. I am scared to feel what I feel as I am afraid I will loose control and my mind completely. I have bad memories of this happening once before in my life and I never want to have to go through that again so its understandable I feel this way I suppose.
I have shared my concerns about the way I am feeling with the people closest to me and I can see they understand what I am scared of but I am not sure they see that I am unable to be honest about the hurt this has caused me so far and how I really feel. I have at times thought about contacting X as I want the chance to show him what he has done to me, what hurt he has caused and tell him exactly what I think of him but I know this is not a good thing to do at all. Especially not right now as I could not control myself if I lost it with him and if this happened then he would have the upper hand. In fact it would probably make his day to know what he had caused as I know he couldnt care less anyhow about me or my feelings, so whats the point in that......
I want to be able to move on with my life smoothly but this is hard to do or it has been lately anyhow. I have struggled with being open about my feelings and how I am not coping that well. I am always the one who comes across to others as the tower of strength and if I am honest I am not at all right now, far from it infact. I can see this and I can see what I have been doing to hide this away from others and people has done. I have pushed people away, not got too close to people who really know me and what I am about so they couldnt see I was hurting or needed help. I think I needed time alone at first to recognise what I needed but by doing this I have become anxious about leaving the house, being outside, being around others and spending time with the people I need to so I can be helped and be cared for.
I know I have so much to focus on with regards to my future and I dont ever want this to be jepodised by anything. I have worked so hard for all I have so I am determined not to let things slip away and I know I will eventually be back to my normal self again soon. To do this though I need to go through the motions and feel what I need to in order to move on and be myself again.
I am pleased to say I managed to see this and I have seeked help to do this by admitting I am struggling and was scared about loosing control.
I hope that from this I will soon be back to being me again, get my life back on track, learn from what I have experienced and gone through these past few months. I am strong and determined, I have been through too much already in life which were equally as hard to deal with and become a stronger person because of them so I know it is just a matter of time before I can look back at this and see what I have overcome.
2010 just may be after all my year..... it has already had a huge impact in my life and I know I will be just fine. I have all I need in my life, I have good friends and family who have been so patient, who love and care for me no matter what. For all this I am eternally greatful and I will never forget the support I have had throughout this challenging and upseting time.
Thank you to those special people in my life, they know who they are. I love you all always so much xx
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Friday, 12 March 2010
Blogging.....I love it!!!
Well I am so loving this blogging thing and enjoying it so much. It is really helping me express my thoughts and feelings about various things that have happened in my life or happening in my life.
I also have a blog on windows live, feel free to have a look at this also. The link is below.....
http://lifesofar2303.spaces.live.com/blog/
I also have a blog on windows live, feel free to have a look at this also. The link is below.....
http://lifesofar2303.spaces.live.com/blog/
Monday, 8 March 2010
Starting to look over my journals which began 15 years ago.....
Gosh.....For 15 years I have kept Journals and have wrote about my life since I was 13 years old. I have to say some of them are extremely difficult to read and not get emotionally about a lot of what I have been through and wrote about in them. I have to say though I have come along way in life that is for sure, I can see I was confused and wondered why I was faced with certain horrible times I went through and for years I blamed myself and became such an angry young girl because of these challenges back then. I never saw I needed help from others back then, I didnt feel I deserved any help as I brought things on myself or so I thought.........
Here is where my life started to become complicated as I held on to this anger and confusion for many years. The result of being honest to some people back then didnt help me or that situation in fact it made it worse and harder to deal with......At my age then from 13 to 16 I felt very much alone and resented the people who didnt care for me when I needed them the most. This I can see has impacted my life so much and still affects me now in ways. It is horrible to think that this has affected me, my life, my emotions and my feelings of others in such a strong way that to see even now that I still struggle with this and the affects of it......How awful!!!!!!
If only ......is a question I can ask so many people and about so many things about from back then but would it be worth it all now?? I dont think it would make any difference at all.....There should never have been a chance for me to discuss with certain people 'If only......' They will never understand the damage this caused me and my life back then and even now still. I should have been trusted, listened to and never doubted......but this never happened and It was years later when all I said was proved true all along. It was too late now years later, what I wanted to stop from happening by telling the truth all them years ago actually happened......I was left saying to all who didnt believe all I said back then 'IF ONLY'........I dont need say anymore, it cant be changed and they all have to live with knowing what I said was true and if I was believed it could have been avoided but is wasnt ment to be I suppose. People ended up learning the hard way, people got hurt who shouldnt have and the guilt is still there with the people who maybe could have made a difference.
Huge lessons have been learned from this, a lot of people have been affected through this and peoples lives will never be the same again for many.......My life changed dramatically from this experience whether I like it or not....this is where it all began and when I started struggling with life and lifes challenges.....
Sometimes it takes a but if time to see past the teenage tanturms and strops to realise they are actually struggling with something so much deeper and damaging than they could possibly handle alone and open up about for many reasons....!!!
Here is where my life started to become complicated as I held on to this anger and confusion for many years. The result of being honest to some people back then didnt help me or that situation in fact it made it worse and harder to deal with......At my age then from 13 to 16 I felt very much alone and resented the people who didnt care for me when I needed them the most. This I can see has impacted my life so much and still affects me now in ways. It is horrible to think that this has affected me, my life, my emotions and my feelings of others in such a strong way that to see even now that I still struggle with this and the affects of it......How awful!!!!!!
If only ......is a question I can ask so many people and about so many things about from back then but would it be worth it all now?? I dont think it would make any difference at all.....There should never have been a chance for me to discuss with certain people 'If only......' They will never understand the damage this caused me and my life back then and even now still. I should have been trusted, listened to and never doubted......but this never happened and It was years later when all I said was proved true all along. It was too late now years later, what I wanted to stop from happening by telling the truth all them years ago actually happened......I was left saying to all who didnt believe all I said back then 'IF ONLY'........I dont need say anymore, it cant be changed and they all have to live with knowing what I said was true and if I was believed it could have been avoided but is wasnt ment to be I suppose. People ended up learning the hard way, people got hurt who shouldnt have and the guilt is still there with the people who maybe could have made a difference.
Huge lessons have been learned from this, a lot of people have been affected through this and peoples lives will never be the same again for many.......My life changed dramatically from this experience whether I like it or not....this is where it all began and when I started struggling with life and lifes challenges.....
Sometimes it takes a but if time to see past the teenage tanturms and strops to realise they are actually struggling with something so much deeper and damaging than they could possibly handle alone and open up about for many reasons....!!!
I aint perfect infact I am far from it but......wrote 2008
Being 26 and having overcome various things already in my life I feel that I aint perfect but then who is?
I have done some things in my past that I aint proud of and I have hurt people I care for along the way, my actions in the past have caused upset for me and others. I have faced some difficult times and I have suffered from the challenges I have faced. I can not excuse what I have done but I can and have tried to make things better.
I also have been hurt, been betrayed and been treated badly by people who I never thought would hurt me in a way and I still can not forgive for at this moment in time.
At times I look back and I feel really dissappointed that in the past I have been the person that I often find I get hurt by and it makes me really upset to think that I have myself hurt people in a similar way.
Things and life change and I can only say that I have worked hard to become the gal I am today and I am proud of myself for being strong enough to build bridges with people I had caused upset towards. I only hope that one day people may see me as the person I have become and not for the person I was years back.
I could not see untill not so long ago what was actually happening to me and why, I am not looking for sympathy or am I making excuses for any of behaviour all I am trying to do is live a life that is happy and honest.I can do this by learning from the past experiences in my life.
As I still have to live with the memories of back then and no it has not been easy to be able to see what I was like then.
It takes strong people to overcome difficult times and hurt, it takes a real friend who has known me at my worst to believe in me again and to see that I have grown up and can see that I now understand the things that they saw all along.
Life is for living, understand and learning and that is what I will be doing for I guess ........the rest of my life xx
I have done some things in my past that I aint proud of and I have hurt people I care for along the way, my actions in the past have caused upset for me and others. I have faced some difficult times and I have suffered from the challenges I have faced. I can not excuse what I have done but I can and have tried to make things better.
I also have been hurt, been betrayed and been treated badly by people who I never thought would hurt me in a way and I still can not forgive for at this moment in time.
At times I look back and I feel really dissappointed that in the past I have been the person that I often find I get hurt by and it makes me really upset to think that I have myself hurt people in a similar way.
Things and life change and I can only say that I have worked hard to become the gal I am today and I am proud of myself for being strong enough to build bridges with people I had caused upset towards. I only hope that one day people may see me as the person I have become and not for the person I was years back.
I could not see untill not so long ago what was actually happening to me and why, I am not looking for sympathy or am I making excuses for any of behaviour all I am trying to do is live a life that is happy and honest.I can do this by learning from the past experiences in my life.
As I still have to live with the memories of back then and no it has not been easy to be able to see what I was like then.
It takes strong people to overcome difficult times and hurt, it takes a real friend who has known me at my worst to believe in me again and to see that I have grown up and can see that I now understand the things that they saw all along.
Life is for living, understand and learning and that is what I will be doing for I guess ........the rest of my life xx
My blog....all entries & future entries made so far and my aims for writing this blog....
This entry is to answer anyones questions about my blogs. If there is anyone asking 'Why is this girl writing about past issues?, Why so honestly? Does she think anyone actually cares about the things she writes? Does she think any of what she writes makes a difference at all? or any other similar questions people may want answers to then below is my reasons for writing my blog........
MY BLOG, MY LIFE SO FAR, MY HONESTY, MY EXPERIENCES, MY LESSONS AND ALL I WRITE ABOUT OR HAVE WROTE SO FAR.....
I am 28 years old, I have alone been through things most people will never experience or want to for that matter. I feel by writing this blog has so far helped me if no one else. I have been doing this for years writing about all I have been through but never published what I have written or experienced. I have nothing or have experienced anything in my life that I should feel ashamed of so why shouldnt I be able to express my thoughts and feelings on a page they call 'MY SPACE'.....whether people read, follow or comment on is up to them. To be honest all I have and will be writing is honest, truthful and all about events from MY LIFE so far. Dont read it if any of this offends you or others.....then it wont matter what I write or have wrote.
My ain for this blog is simple......I am expressing my thoughts and feelings openly about my life so far. Maybe doing into detail about various challenging times discussing how this made me feel, act, change and how each exerience affected me at the time, just after and how I feel about that now. I am able to look at each situation and experience in my life in detail, see what happened during it, my feelings, my thoughts, my decisions made, the changes it made then and what affect this had on me and my life. I want to be able to see all I go through, all I overcome and face happens for a reason. I want to be able to recognise who I am now, why I am who I am, what and who has influenced the person I am and will become, also I want to see all I have gained, learned and experienced from each challenging time.
All I have experienced so far, the challenges, the decisions, the people I have met and all about my life so far is the reason for who I am today and has shaped the person I have become so far. I am proud of the person I have become after all I have been through.....things could have been a lot different this I am sure of however if my blogs can reach someone like me or someone who maybe suffering a similar challenge like I have exerienced. I hope my writings, my experiences and life so far can make a difference to someones life or can help in anyway.
I am an honest, true and open individual who has been hurt by things that have happned in my life so far and I dont doubt there will be plenty more challenging times ahead however I have also gained a lot from each and am sharing this with all who wants to read it.
I appreciate all or any comments people would like to add and will reply to each one made. Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog and my life so far.....
MY BLOG, MY LIFE SO FAR, MY HONESTY, MY EXPERIENCES, MY LESSONS AND ALL I WRITE ABOUT OR HAVE WROTE SO FAR.....
I am 28 years old, I have alone been through things most people will never experience or want to for that matter. I feel by writing this blog has so far helped me if no one else. I have been doing this for years writing about all I have been through but never published what I have written or experienced. I have nothing or have experienced anything in my life that I should feel ashamed of so why shouldnt I be able to express my thoughts and feelings on a page they call 'MY SPACE'.....whether people read, follow or comment on is up to them. To be honest all I have and will be writing is honest, truthful and all about events from MY LIFE so far. Dont read it if any of this offends you or others.....then it wont matter what I write or have wrote.
My ain for this blog is simple......I am expressing my thoughts and feelings openly about my life so far. Maybe doing into detail about various challenging times discussing how this made me feel, act, change and how each exerience affected me at the time, just after and how I feel about that now. I am able to look at each situation and experience in my life in detail, see what happened during it, my feelings, my thoughts, my decisions made, the changes it made then and what affect this had on me and my life. I want to be able to see all I go through, all I overcome and face happens for a reason. I want to be able to recognise who I am now, why I am who I am, what and who has influenced the person I am and will become, also I want to see all I have gained, learned and experienced from each challenging time.
All I have experienced so far, the challenges, the decisions, the people I have met and all about my life so far is the reason for who I am today and has shaped the person I have become so far. I am proud of the person I have become after all I have been through.....things could have been a lot different this I am sure of however if my blogs can reach someone like me or someone who maybe suffering a similar challenge like I have exerienced. I hope my writings, my experiences and life so far can make a difference to someones life or can help in anyway.
I am an honest, true and open individual who has been hurt by things that have happned in my life so far and I dont doubt there will be plenty more challenging times ahead however I have also gained a lot from each and am sharing this with all who wants to read it.
I appreciate all or any comments people would like to add and will reply to each one made. Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog and my life so far.....
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