Well if I am honest I have not been too good. I have struggled with trying to deal with my emotions and feeling what I feel after having a miscarriage and all of what I was put through by the father and his friend for weeks. I am scared to feel what I feel as I am afraid I will loose control and my mind completely. I have bad memories of this happening once before in my life and I never want to have to go through that again so its understandable I feel this way I suppose.
I have shared my concerns about the way I am feeling with the people closest to me and I can see they understand what I am scared of but I am not sure they see that I am unable to be honest about the hurt this has caused me so far and how I really feel. I have at times thought about contacting X as I want the chance to show him what he has done to me, what hurt he has caused and tell him exactly what I think of him but I know this is not a good thing to do at all. Especially not right now as I could not control myself if I lost it with him and if this happened then he would have the upper hand. In fact it would probably make his day to know what he had caused as I know he couldnt care less anyhow about me or my feelings, so whats the point in that......
I want to be able to move on with my life smoothly but this is hard to do or it has been lately anyhow. I have struggled with being open about my feelings and how I am not coping that well. I am always the one who comes across to others as the tower of strength and if I am honest I am not at all right now, far from it infact. I can see this and I can see what I have been doing to hide this away from others and people has done. I have pushed people away, not got too close to people who really know me and what I am about so they couldnt see I was hurting or needed help. I think I needed time alone at first to recognise what I needed but by doing this I have become anxious about leaving the house, being outside, being around others and spending time with the people I need to so I can be helped and be cared for.
I know I have so much to focus on with regards to my future and I dont ever want this to be jepodised by anything. I have worked so hard for all I have so I am determined not to let things slip away and I know I will eventually be back to my normal self again soon. To do this though I need to go through the motions and feel what I need to in order to move on and be myself again.
I am pleased to say I managed to see this and I have seeked help to do this by admitting I am struggling and was scared about loosing control.
I hope that from this I will soon be back to being me again, get my life back on track, learn from what I have experienced and gone through these past few months. I am strong and determined, I have been through too much already in life which were equally as hard to deal with and become a stronger person because of them so I know it is just a matter of time before I can look back at this and see what I have overcome.
2010 just may be after all my year..... it has already had a huge impact in my life and I know I will be just fine. I have all I need in my life, I have good friends and family who have been so patient, who love and care for me no matter what. For all this I am eternally greatful and I will never forget the support I have had throughout this challenging and upseting time.
Thank you to those special people in my life, they know who they are. I love you all always so much xx
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Friday, 12 March 2010
Blogging.....I love it!!!
Well I am so loving this blogging thing and enjoying it so much. It is really helping me express my thoughts and feelings about various things that have happened in my life or happening in my life.
I also have a blog on windows live, feel free to have a look at this also. The link is below.....
http://lifesofar2303.spaces.live.com/blog/
I also have a blog on windows live, feel free to have a look at this also. The link is below.....
http://lifesofar2303.spaces.live.com/blog/
Monday, 8 March 2010
Starting to look over my journals which began 15 years ago.....
Gosh.....For 15 years I have kept Journals and have wrote about my life since I was 13 years old. I have to say some of them are extremely difficult to read and not get emotionally about a lot of what I have been through and wrote about in them. I have to say though I have come along way in life that is for sure, I can see I was confused and wondered why I was faced with certain horrible times I went through and for years I blamed myself and became such an angry young girl because of these challenges back then. I never saw I needed help from others back then, I didnt feel I deserved any help as I brought things on myself or so I thought.........
Here is where my life started to become complicated as I held on to this anger and confusion for many years. The result of being honest to some people back then didnt help me or that situation in fact it made it worse and harder to deal with......At my age then from 13 to 16 I felt very much alone and resented the people who didnt care for me when I needed them the most. This I can see has impacted my life so much and still affects me now in ways. It is horrible to think that this has affected me, my life, my emotions and my feelings of others in such a strong way that to see even now that I still struggle with this and the affects of it......How awful!!!!!!
If only ......is a question I can ask so many people and about so many things about from back then but would it be worth it all now?? I dont think it would make any difference at all.....There should never have been a chance for me to discuss with certain people 'If only......' They will never understand the damage this caused me and my life back then and even now still. I should have been trusted, listened to and never doubted......but this never happened and It was years later when all I said was proved true all along. It was too late now years later, what I wanted to stop from happening by telling the truth all them years ago actually happened......I was left saying to all who didnt believe all I said back then 'IF ONLY'........I dont need say anymore, it cant be changed and they all have to live with knowing what I said was true and if I was believed it could have been avoided but is wasnt ment to be I suppose. People ended up learning the hard way, people got hurt who shouldnt have and the guilt is still there with the people who maybe could have made a difference.
Huge lessons have been learned from this, a lot of people have been affected through this and peoples lives will never be the same again for many.......My life changed dramatically from this experience whether I like it or not....this is where it all began and when I started struggling with life and lifes challenges.....
Sometimes it takes a but if time to see past the teenage tanturms and strops to realise they are actually struggling with something so much deeper and damaging than they could possibly handle alone and open up about for many reasons....!!!
Here is where my life started to become complicated as I held on to this anger and confusion for many years. The result of being honest to some people back then didnt help me or that situation in fact it made it worse and harder to deal with......At my age then from 13 to 16 I felt very much alone and resented the people who didnt care for me when I needed them the most. This I can see has impacted my life so much and still affects me now in ways. It is horrible to think that this has affected me, my life, my emotions and my feelings of others in such a strong way that to see even now that I still struggle with this and the affects of it......How awful!!!!!!
If only ......is a question I can ask so many people and about so many things about from back then but would it be worth it all now?? I dont think it would make any difference at all.....There should never have been a chance for me to discuss with certain people 'If only......' They will never understand the damage this caused me and my life back then and even now still. I should have been trusted, listened to and never doubted......but this never happened and It was years later when all I said was proved true all along. It was too late now years later, what I wanted to stop from happening by telling the truth all them years ago actually happened......I was left saying to all who didnt believe all I said back then 'IF ONLY'........I dont need say anymore, it cant be changed and they all have to live with knowing what I said was true and if I was believed it could have been avoided but is wasnt ment to be I suppose. People ended up learning the hard way, people got hurt who shouldnt have and the guilt is still there with the people who maybe could have made a difference.
Huge lessons have been learned from this, a lot of people have been affected through this and peoples lives will never be the same again for many.......My life changed dramatically from this experience whether I like it or not....this is where it all began and when I started struggling with life and lifes challenges.....
Sometimes it takes a but if time to see past the teenage tanturms and strops to realise they are actually struggling with something so much deeper and damaging than they could possibly handle alone and open up about for many reasons....!!!
I aint perfect infact I am far from it but......wrote 2008
Being 26 and having overcome various things already in my life I feel that I aint perfect but then who is?
I have done some things in my past that I aint proud of and I have hurt people I care for along the way, my actions in the past have caused upset for me and others. I have faced some difficult times and I have suffered from the challenges I have faced. I can not excuse what I have done but I can and have tried to make things better.
I also have been hurt, been betrayed and been treated badly by people who I never thought would hurt me in a way and I still can not forgive for at this moment in time.
At times I look back and I feel really dissappointed that in the past I have been the person that I often find I get hurt by and it makes me really upset to think that I have myself hurt people in a similar way.
Things and life change and I can only say that I have worked hard to become the gal I am today and I am proud of myself for being strong enough to build bridges with people I had caused upset towards. I only hope that one day people may see me as the person I have become and not for the person I was years back.
I could not see untill not so long ago what was actually happening to me and why, I am not looking for sympathy or am I making excuses for any of behaviour all I am trying to do is live a life that is happy and honest.I can do this by learning from the past experiences in my life.
As I still have to live with the memories of back then and no it has not been easy to be able to see what I was like then.
It takes strong people to overcome difficult times and hurt, it takes a real friend who has known me at my worst to believe in me again and to see that I have grown up and can see that I now understand the things that they saw all along.
Life is for living, understand and learning and that is what I will be doing for I guess ........the rest of my life xx
I have done some things in my past that I aint proud of and I have hurt people I care for along the way, my actions in the past have caused upset for me and others. I have faced some difficult times and I have suffered from the challenges I have faced. I can not excuse what I have done but I can and have tried to make things better.
I also have been hurt, been betrayed and been treated badly by people who I never thought would hurt me in a way and I still can not forgive for at this moment in time.
At times I look back and I feel really dissappointed that in the past I have been the person that I often find I get hurt by and it makes me really upset to think that I have myself hurt people in a similar way.
Things and life change and I can only say that I have worked hard to become the gal I am today and I am proud of myself for being strong enough to build bridges with people I had caused upset towards. I only hope that one day people may see me as the person I have become and not for the person I was years back.
I could not see untill not so long ago what was actually happening to me and why, I am not looking for sympathy or am I making excuses for any of behaviour all I am trying to do is live a life that is happy and honest.I can do this by learning from the past experiences in my life.
As I still have to live with the memories of back then and no it has not been easy to be able to see what I was like then.
It takes strong people to overcome difficult times and hurt, it takes a real friend who has known me at my worst to believe in me again and to see that I have grown up and can see that I now understand the things that they saw all along.
Life is for living, understand and learning and that is what I will be doing for I guess ........the rest of my life xx
My blog....all entries & future entries made so far and my aims for writing this blog....
This entry is to answer anyones questions about my blogs. If there is anyone asking 'Why is this girl writing about past issues?, Why so honestly? Does she think anyone actually cares about the things she writes? Does she think any of what she writes makes a difference at all? or any other similar questions people may want answers to then below is my reasons for writing my blog........
MY BLOG, MY LIFE SO FAR, MY HONESTY, MY EXPERIENCES, MY LESSONS AND ALL I WRITE ABOUT OR HAVE WROTE SO FAR.....
I am 28 years old, I have alone been through things most people will never experience or want to for that matter. I feel by writing this blog has so far helped me if no one else. I have been doing this for years writing about all I have been through but never published what I have written or experienced. I have nothing or have experienced anything in my life that I should feel ashamed of so why shouldnt I be able to express my thoughts and feelings on a page they call 'MY SPACE'.....whether people read, follow or comment on is up to them. To be honest all I have and will be writing is honest, truthful and all about events from MY LIFE so far. Dont read it if any of this offends you or others.....then it wont matter what I write or have wrote.
My ain for this blog is simple......I am expressing my thoughts and feelings openly about my life so far. Maybe doing into detail about various challenging times discussing how this made me feel, act, change and how each exerience affected me at the time, just after and how I feel about that now. I am able to look at each situation and experience in my life in detail, see what happened during it, my feelings, my thoughts, my decisions made, the changes it made then and what affect this had on me and my life. I want to be able to see all I go through, all I overcome and face happens for a reason. I want to be able to recognise who I am now, why I am who I am, what and who has influenced the person I am and will become, also I want to see all I have gained, learned and experienced from each challenging time.
All I have experienced so far, the challenges, the decisions, the people I have met and all about my life so far is the reason for who I am today and has shaped the person I have become so far. I am proud of the person I have become after all I have been through.....things could have been a lot different this I am sure of however if my blogs can reach someone like me or someone who maybe suffering a similar challenge like I have exerienced. I hope my writings, my experiences and life so far can make a difference to someones life or can help in anyway.
I am an honest, true and open individual who has been hurt by things that have happned in my life so far and I dont doubt there will be plenty more challenging times ahead however I have also gained a lot from each and am sharing this with all who wants to read it.
I appreciate all or any comments people would like to add and will reply to each one made. Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog and my life so far.....
MY BLOG, MY LIFE SO FAR, MY HONESTY, MY EXPERIENCES, MY LESSONS AND ALL I WRITE ABOUT OR HAVE WROTE SO FAR.....
I am 28 years old, I have alone been through things most people will never experience or want to for that matter. I feel by writing this blog has so far helped me if no one else. I have been doing this for years writing about all I have been through but never published what I have written or experienced. I have nothing or have experienced anything in my life that I should feel ashamed of so why shouldnt I be able to express my thoughts and feelings on a page they call 'MY SPACE'.....whether people read, follow or comment on is up to them. To be honest all I have and will be writing is honest, truthful and all about events from MY LIFE so far. Dont read it if any of this offends you or others.....then it wont matter what I write or have wrote.
My ain for this blog is simple......I am expressing my thoughts and feelings openly about my life so far. Maybe doing into detail about various challenging times discussing how this made me feel, act, change and how each exerience affected me at the time, just after and how I feel about that now. I am able to look at each situation and experience in my life in detail, see what happened during it, my feelings, my thoughts, my decisions made, the changes it made then and what affect this had on me and my life. I want to be able to see all I go through, all I overcome and face happens for a reason. I want to be able to recognise who I am now, why I am who I am, what and who has influenced the person I am and will become, also I want to see all I have gained, learned and experienced from each challenging time.
All I have experienced so far, the challenges, the decisions, the people I have met and all about my life so far is the reason for who I am today and has shaped the person I have become so far. I am proud of the person I have become after all I have been through.....things could have been a lot different this I am sure of however if my blogs can reach someone like me or someone who maybe suffering a similar challenge like I have exerienced. I hope my writings, my experiences and life so far can make a difference to someones life or can help in anyway.
I am an honest, true and open individual who has been hurt by things that have happned in my life so far and I dont doubt there will be plenty more challenging times ahead however I have also gained a lot from each and am sharing this with all who wants to read it.
I appreciate all or any comments people would like to add and will reply to each one made. Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog and my life so far.....
'I'm pregnant' ...the day he found out
After the events of the weekend I was confused about what to do and was hurt about what I had found out. I had tried to keep it all together and decide what I was going to do. Should I tell him at all? Does he deserve to know after everything? Do I want him trying to influence me and my decisions? I needed to tell someone I was close to though and trust so I could feel supported. I just didnt know what to do and decided to text X saying 'When I am home next would it be possible to meet up sometime as there is something I need to talk to you about, Thanks'...
I didnt get a reply from him, it was a monday night and I knew he would be working at the club. I actually wasnt too bothered that he hadnt replied as I thought if he doesnt then that will tell me that not telling him was the right thing to do.
I was getting ready for bed, it was already late but I couldnt sleep at all. I watched dvd after dvd for about 3 hours untill it got to about 3.30am or maybe later and I thought I better try and get some sleep. Then all of a sudden I got a text, it was from him asking me about what I needed to tell him and talk about....I didnt reply as it was late, I thought he has probably been drinking and it wasnt the right time to talk especially over the phone and me being 100 miles away. Then he started ringing and more texts came through saying the same thing, I thought he may have thought as I hadnt replied or answered he would give up thinking I was asleep..... I was wrong, he kept calling and wasnt giving up. So I thought I would text just to say 'I would speak to him when I was back home, it wasnt the right time to talk and not over the phone'.....He kept calling and texting saying 'I better answer and tell him now', 'Why wont you talk to me?', 'Please answer'......the texts were coming one after the other and the calls were the same so in the end I texted saying 'Please X just leave me alone for a bit, at least for tonight, I didnt want to talk to him right now and to stop calling me, give me some space...please!!'..... He wouldnt give up so about an hour later after loads of missed calls and texts I answered....
X was angry that I hadnt answered, asking 'what was the matter'. I told him 'I really wasnt in the mood to talk to him right now, could he please stop calling me and leave me alone for a bit, I needed some space....' It didnt seem to be sinking in to him that I wasnt ready to talk especially over the phone but nothing I said made a difference so I kept hanging up......hoping he may get the message. He didnt!! I answered again and he put his mate Y on the phone, he started asking what the hell was going on? What was I playing at?.....I wasnt listening to that so again I hung up....He called back, Y asked 'Lynsey, are you pregnant?'....I went silent, I was in shock and I hung up. I was scared about what he was going to say and what I was going to say about knowing a while before he did. I wasnt ready to talk not yet not like this....But they kept calling back, I answered it was Y...I admitted 'Yes I am pregnant'. It went silent again and X came on the phone he didnt really make sense with what he was saying, he was obviously drunk and shocked. I started crying and getting really emotional trying to explaining how I found out and when. He was trying to calm me down as I was a complete mess, finally I was able to let it all out but it wasnt helping m this way and then it got worse....
Y his mate texted me whilst I was on the phone to X saying 'I was lying, it didnt make sense, that I should get my head together and if I was pregnant I should go to his and do a test there and then'....I read it and went mental, shouting and screaming at X about the text I had just got....Telling him what he said and saying he has no right texting me things like that, how dare he question my honesty....what a wanker!! I hung up again as I heard Y shouting things about abortions in the background and I just had enough and thought fuck ya all....I am not listening to that not now not eva!! I got more texts off Y his mate saying 'I was a headfuck that he had lost all respect for me now' and another saying 'He was coming to Leeds to pick me up in the morning and I could prove it to him'.....Prove it to HIM??? Who the hell did he think he was, How was this any of his business? How fucking dare he talk to me like that..... I remember replying...'How dare you question my honesty, What was his problem...If he felt he wanted to drive up to get me in the morning to prove it to him then by all means do what he feels is best because I couldnt care less about what he thinks and I couldnt wait to see his face when I prove I was telling the truth....wanker'
X called me back and I answered...he was asking what I wanted to do? I needed to make decisions and fast. He kept saying I couldnt have this baby, he didnt want this at all and I would loose all I had, be alone and it would ruin my life. I was crying so hard, my heart was breaking, I was having panic attacks and I couldnt stop to get myself together. I told him I didnt mean for this to happen, yeah he was right it wasnt what I wanted or needed right now but what was I supposed to do now its happened I couldnt change it now.
I told him about the termination I had 4 years ago and how I this had affected my life. I made that decision for the man involved not for me. I didnt want to have a termination, I knew it would hurt me and I would regret it every day but I did it for him. I didnt want to ruin his life, I thought I didnt want him to not persue his dreams and ambitions. I thought of him, his life and future. I convinced myself it was the right thing to do for the best, deep down I knew it wasnt and I knew I was going to suffer emotionally so much from this. My life wasnt the same after this and I swore I would never go through that ever again for no one. X kept saying it would be different this time, he would always be there, always be my friend and support me throughout. I knew he wouldnt.....It would never happen that way, I couldnt remain friends with him if I had to go through that, I would never forgive him and wouldnt be able to cope with going through that as I wasnt strong enough and it would end up killing me. I would mentally break down and would loose control. Then I would loose everything. He wasnt listening, he didnt want to hear it and he didnt care. There was no point trying to explain further.
I agreed to come back to Chester the next day and we would arrange to meet when I got home. I said I would make another appointment with my family doctor and we would discuss together what I was going to do. By now it was past 6am, we ended our converstation and arranged to talk when I got home later that day.
I needed to tell someone who I knew would support me as I knew I was going to be pressured by X and Y now about this and I knew I wouldnt be able to cope alone so I emailed my sister Claire asking her to call me when she woke up. She did and I told her about everything being pregnant, X and Y's reaction and the nasty messages I had got from Y. I told her I was scared about the intimidation and pressure I was going to get from them. I couldnt cope with it and just wanted them to leave me alone for a bit at least until I had seen my doctor at home as he knew all about my complicated medical conditions that could affect my pregnancy and give me what support I needed also. So my sister Claire messaged X and told him my plans to come home, that I would let him know about my appointments dates and times so he could come along if he wanted and she also asked or warned him about Y and that he was not to contact me again from now on. I didnt want him to contact me after everything he said, he made himself very clear about what he thought of me, the situation and after knowing what he truly thought I wanted nothing to do with me, my life, my pregnancy and he had no right anyhow, it wasnt his baby, so it wasnt his problem!!!!!
I made arrangements to come home from Leeds that day and we would go from there. I wasnt looking forward to meeting with X alone at Y's also so that needed to be arranged somehow. I just wanted to get home and be around people I knew always have my best interests at heart, who care and loved me but more importantly they knew exactally how I suffered making the decision I had made last time so their influence was needed for me so I wasnt going to make another wrong decision again.
The journey home was so long, I hated every minute of it and I was scared of what was to come. I needed my family and friends more than ever right now and I knew they would be there through this difficult time....no matter what.
I didnt get a reply from him, it was a monday night and I knew he would be working at the club. I actually wasnt too bothered that he hadnt replied as I thought if he doesnt then that will tell me that not telling him was the right thing to do.
I was getting ready for bed, it was already late but I couldnt sleep at all. I watched dvd after dvd for about 3 hours untill it got to about 3.30am or maybe later and I thought I better try and get some sleep. Then all of a sudden I got a text, it was from him asking me about what I needed to tell him and talk about....I didnt reply as it was late, I thought he has probably been drinking and it wasnt the right time to talk especially over the phone and me being 100 miles away. Then he started ringing and more texts came through saying the same thing, I thought he may have thought as I hadnt replied or answered he would give up thinking I was asleep..... I was wrong, he kept calling and wasnt giving up. So I thought I would text just to say 'I would speak to him when I was back home, it wasnt the right time to talk and not over the phone'.....He kept calling and texting saying 'I better answer and tell him now', 'Why wont you talk to me?', 'Please answer'......the texts were coming one after the other and the calls were the same so in the end I texted saying 'Please X just leave me alone for a bit, at least for tonight, I didnt want to talk to him right now and to stop calling me, give me some space...please!!'..... He wouldnt give up so about an hour later after loads of missed calls and texts I answered....
X was angry that I hadnt answered, asking 'what was the matter'. I told him 'I really wasnt in the mood to talk to him right now, could he please stop calling me and leave me alone for a bit, I needed some space....' It didnt seem to be sinking in to him that I wasnt ready to talk especially over the phone but nothing I said made a difference so I kept hanging up......hoping he may get the message. He didnt!! I answered again and he put his mate Y on the phone, he started asking what the hell was going on? What was I playing at?.....I wasnt listening to that so again I hung up....He called back, Y asked 'Lynsey, are you pregnant?'....I went silent, I was in shock and I hung up. I was scared about what he was going to say and what I was going to say about knowing a while before he did. I wasnt ready to talk not yet not like this....But they kept calling back, I answered it was Y...I admitted 'Yes I am pregnant'. It went silent again and X came on the phone he didnt really make sense with what he was saying, he was obviously drunk and shocked. I started crying and getting really emotional trying to explaining how I found out and when. He was trying to calm me down as I was a complete mess, finally I was able to let it all out but it wasnt helping m this way and then it got worse....
Y his mate texted me whilst I was on the phone to X saying 'I was lying, it didnt make sense, that I should get my head together and if I was pregnant I should go to his and do a test there and then'....I read it and went mental, shouting and screaming at X about the text I had just got....Telling him what he said and saying he has no right texting me things like that, how dare he question my honesty....what a wanker!! I hung up again as I heard Y shouting things about abortions in the background and I just had enough and thought fuck ya all....I am not listening to that not now not eva!! I got more texts off Y his mate saying 'I was a headfuck that he had lost all respect for me now' and another saying 'He was coming to Leeds to pick me up in the morning and I could prove it to him'.....Prove it to HIM??? Who the hell did he think he was, How was this any of his business? How fucking dare he talk to me like that..... I remember replying...'How dare you question my honesty, What was his problem...If he felt he wanted to drive up to get me in the morning to prove it to him then by all means do what he feels is best because I couldnt care less about what he thinks and I couldnt wait to see his face when I prove I was telling the truth....wanker'
X called me back and I answered...he was asking what I wanted to do? I needed to make decisions and fast. He kept saying I couldnt have this baby, he didnt want this at all and I would loose all I had, be alone and it would ruin my life. I was crying so hard, my heart was breaking, I was having panic attacks and I couldnt stop to get myself together. I told him I didnt mean for this to happen, yeah he was right it wasnt what I wanted or needed right now but what was I supposed to do now its happened I couldnt change it now.
I told him about the termination I had 4 years ago and how I this had affected my life. I made that decision for the man involved not for me. I didnt want to have a termination, I knew it would hurt me and I would regret it every day but I did it for him. I didnt want to ruin his life, I thought I didnt want him to not persue his dreams and ambitions. I thought of him, his life and future. I convinced myself it was the right thing to do for the best, deep down I knew it wasnt and I knew I was going to suffer emotionally so much from this. My life wasnt the same after this and I swore I would never go through that ever again for no one. X kept saying it would be different this time, he would always be there, always be my friend and support me throughout. I knew he wouldnt.....It would never happen that way, I couldnt remain friends with him if I had to go through that, I would never forgive him and wouldnt be able to cope with going through that as I wasnt strong enough and it would end up killing me. I would mentally break down and would loose control. Then I would loose everything. He wasnt listening, he didnt want to hear it and he didnt care. There was no point trying to explain further.
I agreed to come back to Chester the next day and we would arrange to meet when I got home. I said I would make another appointment with my family doctor and we would discuss together what I was going to do. By now it was past 6am, we ended our converstation and arranged to talk when I got home later that day.
I needed to tell someone who I knew would support me as I knew I was going to be pressured by X and Y now about this and I knew I wouldnt be able to cope alone so I emailed my sister Claire asking her to call me when she woke up. She did and I told her about everything being pregnant, X and Y's reaction and the nasty messages I had got from Y. I told her I was scared about the intimidation and pressure I was going to get from them. I couldnt cope with it and just wanted them to leave me alone for a bit at least until I had seen my doctor at home as he knew all about my complicated medical conditions that could affect my pregnancy and give me what support I needed also. So my sister Claire messaged X and told him my plans to come home, that I would let him know about my appointments dates and times so he could come along if he wanted and she also asked or warned him about Y and that he was not to contact me again from now on. I didnt want him to contact me after everything he said, he made himself very clear about what he thought of me, the situation and after knowing what he truly thought I wanted nothing to do with me, my life, my pregnancy and he had no right anyhow, it wasnt his baby, so it wasnt his problem!!!!!
I made arrangements to come home from Leeds that day and we would go from there. I wasnt looking forward to meeting with X alone at Y's also so that needed to be arranged somehow. I just wanted to get home and be around people I knew always have my best interests at heart, who care and loved me but more importantly they knew exactally how I suffered making the decision I had made last time so their influence was needed for me so I wasnt going to make another wrong decision again.
The journey home was so long, I hated every minute of it and I was scared of what was to come. I needed my family and friends more than ever right now and I knew they would be there through this difficult time....no matter what.
The recent truth still makes me sick....
I honestly dont mean to be cruel about her the girl he went with but its harder to deal with more so knowing and seeing exactly what a tramp she is. I understand people will always become jealous and dislike the girl who is involved no matter what but I can honestly say I truly feel sorry for him being so desperate and thinking so low of himself that he actually didnt think he could get any better than her....I pitty him and feel his embarressment as he does.
FINALLY I get the truth...late 5th Feb 2010
I was at Janes spending time there, bitching about X and what he had told me the night before. I showed Jane picks of this Lisa and she reacted the same as I did about him even being interested in her. She wasnt even pretty at all, if she was I could maybe put aside her other faults but it was emarressing.
X texted me, said did I want to meet him at Y's he had left the key in the shed and told me to let myself in and he wouldnt be long. He said he wanted to talk to me about a few things so I went. Jane dropped me off at Y's and X arrived soon after. He was drunk and I came straight out with it, I asked if he had slept with that Lisa he met? I said you have havnt you..... he didnt answer at all and then admitted that he had. I remember him just looking at me waiting for a reaction.... I didnt have one at that moment. I couldnt believe what I was hearing, I dont know if at first if I was upset because he had slept with someone else or of I was more upset that he actually slept with that skank bitch who looked like a total tramp. I think I was more mad at that first off. I shouted at him saying 'X What were you thinking?' Where you that desperate? I mean have you seen the state of her?' I actually felt physically sick with the thought of him and her, he couldnt take my shouting at him and making sure he felt pure embarressment being reminded about getting close to that awful whoar....I mean fecking hell X. You really were scrapping the barrell going with that.
I was insulted and said to him 'I feel so worhtless, I mean do you think I am worth nothing'.....he kept saying of course you are 'your worth so much more than that' he went on saying he wouldnt be going there again as she was the biggest mistake he had ever made, a complete fat mess, who was not worth the embarressment at all and he regreted every second of it. He kept saying to me 'You've seen her she is such a tramp, she isnt even good looking to hide how huge she is...'...I replied 'I know, dont you think that I have not thought of that.....you should feel so embarressed JX, I mean if you were going to tell me the truth about sleeping with another dont you think it should have been with someone who had a slight bit of class and looked clean, she is so obviously a skank tramp with no elegence about her wotsoever.....'
I was really angry with him and I couldnt stay, I was upset he had done it now, slept with another and there was no going back with regards to us. No way. not possibly knowing what he went with aswell. I couldnt handle that I was going to have to keep my pregnancy to meself again for another night, was I ever going to tell him. I just wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me and I wanted him to feel the pain like I did. I couldnt believe all this time he had lied to me and made out I was being hard to him, pressuring him when all along he was lying just like he said his wife did to him for months. He said he was so hurt by what she had done to him and lied about things and then he has just done the exact same thing to me.......What was I gonna do....I hated him for hurting and upseting me. I left crying and began to start feeling so mad and I began to loose control of my emotions and I wanted him to know how I was suffering. There was no doubt that he would escape me giving him a piece of my mind about what he had done and how ashamed he should feel about sleeping with another especially that thing...Makes me sick how he has treated me..... How fecking dare he? No one plays games with me and gets off lightly? He will find that out one day I remember thinking.....He will regret all he has done to me, sooner or later he will feel all the pain I was already feeling and there was more bad news to come for him. I had to work out when I should tell him, if at all.....I just wanted to walk away and never have anything to do with him.
X texted me, said did I want to meet him at Y's he had left the key in the shed and told me to let myself in and he wouldnt be long. He said he wanted to talk to me about a few things so I went. Jane dropped me off at Y's and X arrived soon after. He was drunk and I came straight out with it, I asked if he had slept with that Lisa he met? I said you have havnt you..... he didnt answer at all and then admitted that he had. I remember him just looking at me waiting for a reaction.... I didnt have one at that moment. I couldnt believe what I was hearing, I dont know if at first if I was upset because he had slept with someone else or of I was more upset that he actually slept with that skank bitch who looked like a total tramp. I think I was more mad at that first off. I shouted at him saying 'X What were you thinking?' Where you that desperate? I mean have you seen the state of her?' I actually felt physically sick with the thought of him and her, he couldnt take my shouting at him and making sure he felt pure embarressment being reminded about getting close to that awful whoar....I mean fecking hell X. You really were scrapping the barrell going with that.
I was insulted and said to him 'I feel so worhtless, I mean do you think I am worth nothing'.....he kept saying of course you are 'your worth so much more than that' he went on saying he wouldnt be going there again as she was the biggest mistake he had ever made, a complete fat mess, who was not worth the embarressment at all and he regreted every second of it. He kept saying to me 'You've seen her she is such a tramp, she isnt even good looking to hide how huge she is...'...I replied 'I know, dont you think that I have not thought of that.....you should feel so embarressed JX, I mean if you were going to tell me the truth about sleeping with another dont you think it should have been with someone who had a slight bit of class and looked clean, she is so obviously a skank tramp with no elegence about her wotsoever.....'
I was really angry with him and I couldnt stay, I was upset he had done it now, slept with another and there was no going back with regards to us. No way. not possibly knowing what he went with aswell. I couldnt handle that I was going to have to keep my pregnancy to meself again for another night, was I ever going to tell him. I just wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me and I wanted him to feel the pain like I did. I couldnt believe all this time he had lied to me and made out I was being hard to him, pressuring him when all along he was lying just like he said his wife did to him for months. He said he was so hurt by what she had done to him and lied about things and then he has just done the exact same thing to me.......What was I gonna do....I hated him for hurting and upseting me. I left crying and began to start feeling so mad and I began to loose control of my emotions and I wanted him to know how I was suffering. There was no doubt that he would escape me giving him a piece of my mind about what he had done and how ashamed he should feel about sleeping with another especially that thing...Makes me sick how he has treated me..... How fecking dare he? No one plays games with me and gets off lightly? He will find that out one day I remember thinking.....He will regret all he has done to me, sooner or later he will feel all the pain I was already feeling and there was more bad news to come for him. I had to work out when I should tell him, if at all.....I just wanted to walk away and never have anything to do with him.
That weekend ....4th Feb 2010
In the week X had been asking why I hadnt been in touch like I normally was? I had been updating my status with things like 'Thanks for making me smile' and 'I felt very happy and all smiley'....X wanted to know who and what was making me happy and smiley?? I told him over and over again, it wasnt anybody I was happy as my sister Dawn was in Leeds with me and we had been having some fun together. X replied it was a lie.....that it must be a man making me smile, he was convinced and I got angry with him about him not trusting what I said. Then the next evening we all got drunk in the house, I know I probably shouldnt have but I needed to act as normal as possible and I wanted to forget about the troubles that I faced ahead for a night so we had plenty of vodka and played on singstar all night until the early hours before going to bed.
I couldnt sleep and went on facebook updated my status to 'shouldve known better, busted!!!!'.....It didnt take long for X to text to ask about the status... what did it mean? Explain?...... he texted me. I knew exactly what it ment, it was ment for him as I should have known better and I knew has lied. I just knew it. He felt guilty about something and was quizing me about what I ment by this status. It was more obvious to me now that all I suspected was true, it was so clear that he knew that I knew and that I have known something for weeks now. It was just a matter of time before the truth would come out in the end. X knew that more than anyone. That night he told me he missed me, my texts and hadnt seen me for a few weeks and he wanted to see me. He was spending the weekend at Y's flat as he was aways in Paris all weekend and he was covering his work for him. He was having his daughter stay the thursday night which was when I was travelling back from Leeds, he said did I want to come round that night I got back and watch a film together?.. I was surprised as he didnt usually feel it was a good idea to visit when his daughter was there so I made sure that he actually did want me round then and he agreed so I looked forward to spending some time with him.
I didnt think about seeing how it was going between us and telling him about the pregnancy tests, then I thought I cant do that now he has his daughter upstairs and he wasnt going to have anyone there for him like his mate Y all weekend so I was stuck with what to do. I decided I will tell him saturday night when I see him as arranged or sunday morning. I will tell him, I was just waiting for the right time.
It had been over 2 and a half weeks since I saw him last so when I arrived at Y's it was good to see him, I knew he was happy to see me too and we had some good TLC moments and watched a film together. Just before the film began, he got a text and said it was from some girl he met in Brannigans called Lisa. I pulled away from him as he spoke and asked about her. He said she was horrid and now just wants attention from him. I asked X so do you want to sleep with her? He answered maybe! I did see my arse as now he was meeting girls, new girls and keeping them interested by keeping in contact.... he said she was an awful, fat, desperate mess and wasnt interested in her. Then he kept saying no one would get all what you get ya know, all the spending time together, staying over and everything we have. Even if I did spend a night with another it would just be a quick one, it wouldnt mean anything, then I would kick them out so it would just be to use them for one thing and one thing only. Like that is going to make what he has just tried to say all better.....I mean really. Was I worth anything at all to him?
We watched the film, had a good night together and I went home about midnight. I couldnt stop thinking about this Lisa.... I checked on his profile to see what she was like and I couldnt believe what I was looking at..... I mean OMG what was he thinking to even think about spending the night with that. She was horrible, it wasnt the fact that she was a big girl because I am no JLO but she looked like she needed a good bath, prue skanky looking whoar. She wasnt even remotely pretty at all...... I was insulted by that, I really didnt think he would lower himself to attempt to go anywhere near her.
How could I have told him about being pregnant hearing about him texting some other women he met in Brannigans a weeks ago. I felt stupid and worthless, X didnt care about me at all. He was out for what he could get from me as he hadnt seen me for a while, there was no other reason but that. I had been a mug again.......God I am dumb at times.
I couldnt sleep and went on facebook updated my status to 'shouldve known better, busted!!!!'.....It didnt take long for X to text to ask about the status... what did it mean? Explain?...... he texted me. I knew exactly what it ment, it was ment for him as I should have known better and I knew has lied. I just knew it. He felt guilty about something and was quizing me about what I ment by this status. It was more obvious to me now that all I suspected was true, it was so clear that he knew that I knew and that I have known something for weeks now. It was just a matter of time before the truth would come out in the end. X knew that more than anyone. That night he told me he missed me, my texts and hadnt seen me for a few weeks and he wanted to see me. He was spending the weekend at Y's flat as he was aways in Paris all weekend and he was covering his work for him. He was having his daughter stay the thursday night which was when I was travelling back from Leeds, he said did I want to come round that night I got back and watch a film together?.. I was surprised as he didnt usually feel it was a good idea to visit when his daughter was there so I made sure that he actually did want me round then and he agreed so I looked forward to spending some time with him.
I didnt think about seeing how it was going between us and telling him about the pregnancy tests, then I thought I cant do that now he has his daughter upstairs and he wasnt going to have anyone there for him like his mate Y all weekend so I was stuck with what to do. I decided I will tell him saturday night when I see him as arranged or sunday morning. I will tell him, I was just waiting for the right time.
It had been over 2 and a half weeks since I saw him last so when I arrived at Y's it was good to see him, I knew he was happy to see me too and we had some good TLC moments and watched a film together. Just before the film began, he got a text and said it was from some girl he met in Brannigans called Lisa. I pulled away from him as he spoke and asked about her. He said she was horrid and now just wants attention from him. I asked X so do you want to sleep with her? He answered maybe! I did see my arse as now he was meeting girls, new girls and keeping them interested by keeping in contact.... he said she was an awful, fat, desperate mess and wasnt interested in her. Then he kept saying no one would get all what you get ya know, all the spending time together, staying over and everything we have. Even if I did spend a night with another it would just be a quick one, it wouldnt mean anything, then I would kick them out so it would just be to use them for one thing and one thing only. Like that is going to make what he has just tried to say all better.....I mean really. Was I worth anything at all to him?
We watched the film, had a good night together and I went home about midnight. I couldnt stop thinking about this Lisa.... I checked on his profile to see what she was like and I couldnt believe what I was looking at..... I mean OMG what was he thinking to even think about spending the night with that. She was horrible, it wasnt the fact that she was a big girl because I am no JLO but she looked like she needed a good bath, prue skanky looking whoar. She wasnt even remotely pretty at all...... I was insulted by that, I really didnt think he would lower himself to attempt to go anywhere near her.
How could I have told him about being pregnant hearing about him texting some other women he met in Brannigans a weeks ago. I felt stupid and worthless, X didnt care about me at all. He was out for what he could get from me as he hadnt seen me for a while, there was no other reason but that. I had been a mug again.......God I am dumb at times.
The nightmare began at the start of the 1st week of Feb 2010
I couldnt get the thought of X lying about seeing someone else, something was getting to me and I didnt know what but I needed to make sure I hadnt picked up any nasty infections if he had so I went to get checked at the sexual health clinic in Leeds on the Tuesday the 2nd Feb. I was there for over an hour having every test available and I remember thinking so hurt about putting myself through this as I should never have gone against my gut instinct.
I got called back into the nurse who said to be everything seems to be fine and there was no clear evidence of any infections however I would get my results back confirming this in a week or so by text so to look out for the message. She then said to me 'we also did a pregnancy test and the result has come back positive, when was your last period?'.... I looked at her in disbelielf and I said to the nurse 'this must be wrong, I am on the pill I have PCOS and it isnt easy for me to concieve. Are you sure you are right?'....She nodded and to put my mind at rest she did another, which came back with the same result....positive!!! I was in total shock, what the hell was I going to do? I didnt want to think about it at all and I wanted to forget all what I had discovered. Maybe I thought it would just sort itself out, maybe the test's she had done were wrong, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. I thought I will forget about it all for now, I would speak to X at the weekend and things will be fine.
I didnt contact X that much that week, I didnt know what to say as I didnt know how I felt about this myself. I was angry about being in this situation at all, X had been lying and I knew it even though he still felt like lying to me about it all. Why didnt I walk away? Why did I think this would ever be a good idea? It was a complete disaster and it was about to get worse.
I got called back into the nurse who said to be everything seems to be fine and there was no clear evidence of any infections however I would get my results back confirming this in a week or so by text so to look out for the message. She then said to me 'we also did a pregnancy test and the result has come back positive, when was your last period?'.... I looked at her in disbelielf and I said to the nurse 'this must be wrong, I am on the pill I have PCOS and it isnt easy for me to concieve. Are you sure you are right?'....She nodded and to put my mind at rest she did another, which came back with the same result....positive!!! I was in total shock, what the hell was I going to do? I didnt want to think about it at all and I wanted to forget all what I had discovered. Maybe I thought it would just sort itself out, maybe the test's she had done were wrong, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. I thought I will forget about it all for now, I would speak to X at the weekend and things will be fine.
I didnt contact X that much that week, I didnt know what to say as I didnt know how I felt about this myself. I was angry about being in this situation at all, X had been lying and I knew it even though he still felt like lying to me about it all. Why didnt I walk away? Why did I think this would ever be a good idea? It was a complete disaster and it was about to get worse.
2010 so far....
I always start a new year hoping that the new year will be filled with happy times, good memories and will end up being what I call my year. The year that starts a new chapter in my life and my future. Then the end of each year I end up reminding myself that this year was supposed to be my year, the year that changed my life, who I am and my future. Each year ends up the same, no doubt something has happened that has changed my life, who I am and my future but never in the way I really want. Well nothing like that so far anyhow..... Theres still plenty of time for all I dream of, I am sure.
However its the 1st March today, just 2 months into a new year and I have been faced with a really challenging experience that has affected me and my life so much right now. I never imagined going through this situation again or with this person who I will call, X!! It seemed so unreal and I am still trying to cope and comes to terms with all thats recently happened however I need to express what I am feeling and make people aware about what I went through during this difficult time.
I started the new year knowing deep down that X was not good for me, I always knew it if I were honest and it is never a good idea revisiting the past, as they were your past for a reason and they should remain there unless there was good reason to let them back into your life again. X had been a friend of mine since I was 18, he used to work in the local club when I first began my clubbing days, where I was out every weekend and I got a taste for that life and just having a good time. I didnt really care about how others felt or thought about me as they didnt matter back then as long as I enjoyed myself I couldnt care less. Even though I had this attitude I still had many friends and got to know people who worked at the club. This stayed the same for years. X and I did actually have a good friendship and had a laugh together all the time. There was nothing more to our friendship, he spent time with my friend in that way after a while however he did have a long term girlfriend and a young daughter. It didnt really matter to him to be honest, his lives were kept seperate and what she didnt know didnt matter.
When X left the club it was just after he had got married to his long term girlfriend, My friend had fallen for him a long time before and he knew how she felt but he still was more than happy to keep her interested in him by showing her false hope allowing her to do what he wanted to him. I remember calling him saying to him 'you know that she is in love with you dont you?' he deined knowing how she felt and said that he would have to put an end to things with her from now on... So leaving my friend so upset back then he carried on with his life and ended up leaving the club a few months later.
So it was nearly 6 years later when I spoke to X again. We had a friend in common on facebook that I kept in contact with over the years who had been back in touch with X a lot more than usual and I noticed something had happened in X's life and wanted to know the gossip so I began digging. I found out that X had split with his wife as she had cheated on him behind his back for months and he had been lied to about it so they had broke up. He swore that there was no going back as far as he was concerned, he really hated what she had done and from then we began chatting. We kept in touch via facebook, texts and by phone for a few months over the summer but I was always putting off meeting up with him because there was something telling me it wasnt a good idea. I dont know what it was but it stopped me meeting with X for months, I managed to hold it off untill the end of October 2009. I was supposed to meet him in town for Janes birthday in Cruise but I ended up leaving early and went home so after this I promised I would arrrange another day where I wouldnt let him down and I would be in touch.
I went back to Leeds and it came to the weekend. I was trying to do the essays I had to do but I was getting to stressed over them and X gave me a ring to help me relax, we chatted for over an hour as we often did and he managed to calm me down. I had told him about why I was putting off seeing him, I wasnt the same girl he knew years ago and I was worried that our friendship would be affected if something went wrong between us and I didnt want that as I couldnt handle falling out with people I liked being in my life. X promised me this would never happen, what could possibly go wrong between us that could cause that to affect of friendship, he said he wasnt looking for anything more than a good time, with good company where he could feel at ease and if something happened between us we would deal with this day by day. I couldnt argue with that to be honest and I needed the same. It had been a long time since I was able to share that with someone and X was not going to take advantage of me or hurt me intentionally so I started trusting him and push aside me doubts about this situation. I thought I have to live a little.... I deserved some happy times and some fun so why not.
To begin with X would do anything to make me happy, pick me up and take me to Leeds from Chester whenever I wanted never accepting money for petrol and I did insist he did, He would offer to treat me to a night out, a nice meal, offer to buy me gifts, expensive gifts like iphones and perfume etc, he arranged for us to stay for the weekend in a hotel in Liverpool and we just spent time together as friends, being good company and we both enjoyed the time we spent together. X couldnt do more for me in the beginning, he would tell me all about how he hadnt spent time with another women since his wife and the split so what we had was special and he was happy with what we had as he wasnt looking for anyone else in his life right now and liked what we had. He did say though every no and then we were just having fun together as he wasnt ready for much more right now but his actions would tell another story, we both knew it.....he liked it when it suited him but pushed me away when he needed to try to stay in control of things. There was no need for him to be this way with me, I knew him better and pushing me away wasnt going to make me happy for hurting me for no reason.
One weekend at the end of November 2009 I spent the whole weekend with X at his friends Y in Chester. We had talked about a few things we wanted to have with eachother and we arranged this for then. I think X was testing me about certain things we had spoken about and this weekend proved all I said. I think this is when things began to change between us, it could have gone either way between us after this. The next morning, X was really off with me and kept reminding me we werent in a relationship and made me feel really crap about the whole weekend, I felt completely worthless and it hurt me. After he texted me saying he wasnt pushing me away he just didnt want to end up having feelings for me as he wasnt ready for that. I respected that and realised it must be difficult. However things just got worse after that weekend, I asked him if we could agree to just be with eachother, as in not go with anyone else as I didnt think I would be happy with this. I said to him, if he wanted that then and he did then what me and X had would have to finish as I didnt want that sort of thing no more it wasnt good for me at that time in my life. I think X felt pressured and he began treating me like crap even more and I let him. I became a doormat, a complete mug and everytime I questioned him about seeing another he would turn it around on me like I was being paranoid and pressuring him all the time. I wasnt but it always seemed like my fault, I was always apologisng for things that werent even my doing. I dropped everything most weekends, whatever time of the day or night to be with him, Y started calling me easy....he said 'I needed to become the challenge'...'I was too easy for X, I didnt make it a challenge for him no more, he coould call me whenever he wanted and he knew I was a sure thing'.... even though Y was a complete player and he could care less he actually made sense with what he said.
Over Christmas and New year I tried to put an end to things, I deep down believed that X had been with others and it drove me insane as he wouldnt tell me the truth and kept lying or twisting the truth. I arranged to see him before he christmas holidays were up and it seemed to go back to the way it was before again without me even realising it. I wasnt happy as I knew I was being a fool. I knew he didnt respect me or my feelings at all. I should have walked away.
However its the 1st March today, just 2 months into a new year and I have been faced with a really challenging experience that has affected me and my life so much right now. I never imagined going through this situation again or with this person who I will call, X!! It seemed so unreal and I am still trying to cope and comes to terms with all thats recently happened however I need to express what I am feeling and make people aware about what I went through during this difficult time.
I started the new year knowing deep down that X was not good for me, I always knew it if I were honest and it is never a good idea revisiting the past, as they were your past for a reason and they should remain there unless there was good reason to let them back into your life again. X had been a friend of mine since I was 18, he used to work in the local club when I first began my clubbing days, where I was out every weekend and I got a taste for that life and just having a good time. I didnt really care about how others felt or thought about me as they didnt matter back then as long as I enjoyed myself I couldnt care less. Even though I had this attitude I still had many friends and got to know people who worked at the club. This stayed the same for years. X and I did actually have a good friendship and had a laugh together all the time. There was nothing more to our friendship, he spent time with my friend in that way after a while however he did have a long term girlfriend and a young daughter. It didnt really matter to him to be honest, his lives were kept seperate and what she didnt know didnt matter.
When X left the club it was just after he had got married to his long term girlfriend, My friend had fallen for him a long time before and he knew how she felt but he still was more than happy to keep her interested in him by showing her false hope allowing her to do what he wanted to him. I remember calling him saying to him 'you know that she is in love with you dont you?' he deined knowing how she felt and said that he would have to put an end to things with her from now on... So leaving my friend so upset back then he carried on with his life and ended up leaving the club a few months later.
So it was nearly 6 years later when I spoke to X again. We had a friend in common on facebook that I kept in contact with over the years who had been back in touch with X a lot more than usual and I noticed something had happened in X's life and wanted to know the gossip so I began digging. I found out that X had split with his wife as she had cheated on him behind his back for months and he had been lied to about it so they had broke up. He swore that there was no going back as far as he was concerned, he really hated what she had done and from then we began chatting. We kept in touch via facebook, texts and by phone for a few months over the summer but I was always putting off meeting up with him because there was something telling me it wasnt a good idea. I dont know what it was but it stopped me meeting with X for months, I managed to hold it off untill the end of October 2009. I was supposed to meet him in town for Janes birthday in Cruise but I ended up leaving early and went home so after this I promised I would arrrange another day where I wouldnt let him down and I would be in touch.
I went back to Leeds and it came to the weekend. I was trying to do the essays I had to do but I was getting to stressed over them and X gave me a ring to help me relax, we chatted for over an hour as we often did and he managed to calm me down. I had told him about why I was putting off seeing him, I wasnt the same girl he knew years ago and I was worried that our friendship would be affected if something went wrong between us and I didnt want that as I couldnt handle falling out with people I liked being in my life. X promised me this would never happen, what could possibly go wrong between us that could cause that to affect of friendship, he said he wasnt looking for anything more than a good time, with good company where he could feel at ease and if something happened between us we would deal with this day by day. I couldnt argue with that to be honest and I needed the same. It had been a long time since I was able to share that with someone and X was not going to take advantage of me or hurt me intentionally so I started trusting him and push aside me doubts about this situation. I thought I have to live a little.... I deserved some happy times and some fun so why not.
To begin with X would do anything to make me happy, pick me up and take me to Leeds from Chester whenever I wanted never accepting money for petrol and I did insist he did, He would offer to treat me to a night out, a nice meal, offer to buy me gifts, expensive gifts like iphones and perfume etc, he arranged for us to stay for the weekend in a hotel in Liverpool and we just spent time together as friends, being good company and we both enjoyed the time we spent together. X couldnt do more for me in the beginning, he would tell me all about how he hadnt spent time with another women since his wife and the split so what we had was special and he was happy with what we had as he wasnt looking for anyone else in his life right now and liked what we had. He did say though every no and then we were just having fun together as he wasnt ready for much more right now but his actions would tell another story, we both knew it.....he liked it when it suited him but pushed me away when he needed to try to stay in control of things. There was no need for him to be this way with me, I knew him better and pushing me away wasnt going to make me happy for hurting me for no reason.
One weekend at the end of November 2009 I spent the whole weekend with X at his friends Y in Chester. We had talked about a few things we wanted to have with eachother and we arranged this for then. I think X was testing me about certain things we had spoken about and this weekend proved all I said. I think this is when things began to change between us, it could have gone either way between us after this. The next morning, X was really off with me and kept reminding me we werent in a relationship and made me feel really crap about the whole weekend, I felt completely worthless and it hurt me. After he texted me saying he wasnt pushing me away he just didnt want to end up having feelings for me as he wasnt ready for that. I respected that and realised it must be difficult. However things just got worse after that weekend, I asked him if we could agree to just be with eachother, as in not go with anyone else as I didnt think I would be happy with this. I said to him, if he wanted that then and he did then what me and X had would have to finish as I didnt want that sort of thing no more it wasnt good for me at that time in my life. I think X felt pressured and he began treating me like crap even more and I let him. I became a doormat, a complete mug and everytime I questioned him about seeing another he would turn it around on me like I was being paranoid and pressuring him all the time. I wasnt but it always seemed like my fault, I was always apologisng for things that werent even my doing. I dropped everything most weekends, whatever time of the day or night to be with him, Y started calling me easy....he said 'I needed to become the challenge'...'I was too easy for X, I didnt make it a challenge for him no more, he coould call me whenever he wanted and he knew I was a sure thing'.... even though Y was a complete player and he could care less he actually made sense with what he said.
Over Christmas and New year I tried to put an end to things, I deep down believed that X had been with others and it drove me insane as he wouldnt tell me the truth and kept lying or twisting the truth. I arranged to see him before he christmas holidays were up and it seemed to go back to the way it was before again without me even realising it. I wasnt happy as I knew I was being a fool. I knew he didnt respect me or my feelings at all. I should have walked away.
I am who I am because .....
I wanted to start my blog with a short entry to introduce myself and my reasons for keeping this blog about my life so far. I enjoy writing as it allows me to express my feelings regarding things that have happened in my life and what I have experienced, I hope one day all I write my help someone and their life oneday, you never know.....
I am nearly 28 years old and I have already experienced things that most people may never experience in there lifetime. I am not saying for one minute that I know it all and I have experienced all there is to know because I have not but I have managed to overcome really challenging times over my short life so far and I know I have been able to learn something from each individual one.
I do not always see the light at the end of the tunnel when I am faced with challenging times and sometimes it takes a long time to see the reasons for why I was faced with having to experience certain things that have happened but I now know that sooner rather than later I will someday understand all I need to when I am ready to and I am able to use what I have learnt to help me become the person that I am today.
I am all I am because of each challenging time I have faced and beause of every person who has made a difference to my life over the years. Each person who has made impacted my life for whatever reason, whether it may have been for good or bad has shaped the person I am now and all I will become in the future.
I am nearly 28 years old and I have already experienced things that most people may never experience in there lifetime. I am not saying for one minute that I know it all and I have experienced all there is to know because I have not but I have managed to overcome really challenging times over my short life so far and I know I have been able to learn something from each individual one.
I do not always see the light at the end of the tunnel when I am faced with challenging times and sometimes it takes a long time to see the reasons for why I was faced with having to experience certain things that have happened but I now know that sooner rather than later I will someday understand all I need to when I am ready to and I am able to use what I have learnt to help me become the person that I am today.
I am all I am because of each challenging time I have faced and beause of every person who has made a difference to my life over the years. Each person who has made impacted my life for whatever reason, whether it may have been for good or bad has shaped the person I am now and all I will become in the future.
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